About Bloody Time!
In the words of Nurse Jackie, “Are you fucking kidding me!?!” Yes I mean it – what is fucking wrong with the world? At the moment I am so frustrated and for once I would love for things to be perfect, even if for only one word. I would love to have a day where everything was going fine, a day where I had money, a day where I could eat as much as I wanted and didn’t put any weight on – I mean I want a seven deadly fucking sins day. I know I saying fuck a lot, but I feel really angry. You know when you get really really depressed, you sit, you cry and you feel like you’re nothing, well I am that but in reverse! Confused? Think about it for a moment... keep thinking I ain’t explaining; nothing is going right. I left university over a year ago and I’ve had one shitty job and nothing else. Just like when you’re depressed you feel like giving up, but you don’t (unless you’re a really freaked out person with suicidal tendencies) because you still have your insane little self to keep you company. I am wrecking my head over the jobcentre – honestly I don’t have a clue why? Maybe because I am trying so hard to get a better life or better career by working my arse off (maybe not that hard, but I’m still doing it). People say life isn’t fair and you just get on with it, “seriously?” I would think it’s about time life gave me a fucking break and let me do what I know I can. Who gives a shit about a 1st, a 2:2 or a 3rd, I still got a fucking degree and the school I went to told my parents I would never see the halls of a university! I spent the best three years of my life doing something that has changed me forever; changed me for the better. This is why I started to make people call me Kev and not Kevin. I felt like I had moved on from the child I was. I used to write poetry or little diaries to get out my frustrations or angry moments, but now I am writing paragraphs of an in your face attitude, laying down what people need to hear. If I was stood in front of you reading this out, you’d have shit yourself by now.
Moving on... I want to be a person who helps others, inspires them to think for their self and to show them that there is always another answer to a question. Okay so two plus two is four and that is one answer; but how do you get to that point with a child. It is automatic for an adult to realise that “2 + 2 = 4”, but looking at that the number “2” means feck all for a child. There is no indication that it makes “4”; by now the less bright star in the class is thinking “WTF”. For a child you have to make everything into a “1” and from there anything is possible. Two of these “1” makes up a “2”, so four of these would make up “4”, so now I am realising for myself I should be doing a PCGE and heading down the line of Primary School Teaching. If I could make a film of my life, you would understand me a little more. Now I feel like crying because I don’t know what I am doing anymore – maybe I should write fun books for kids; unique ways for them to learn or just realise that I should have taken the path of doing what everyone thinks when you do English at university. So if I am completely honest I haven’t a fucking clue in hell of what I am doing or what I want to do. Maybe I chose advertising because I thought it would be cool, because I am creative or because I can be quite artistic. I can do anything I put my mind to and all I need is a chance to show it. I always said that if I ever had my own bar, that I would never hold interviews only auditions. It is better to see somebody working in the job, than to see a shit load of crap on a CV – yes you can bullshit and write you have excellent communication, because it’s what they want to hear. But when you put your head down and don’t say a word or listen to what people are saying or don’t communicate with other staff about current situations, then you have shit communication; and you’re a fucking liar – and untrustworthy. For every one lie, a shit storm awaits – that is my quote, just came up with that!
You know there is something wrong with yourself when you A: can’t sleep, B: don’t want to sleep or C: won’t sleep because you’re being a creative fucker! Would have to say this is the first time I have ever sectioned things off and wrote actually paragraphs – though this feels like a conversation with myself, like when you start talking to someone about chocolate cake and end on sex toys; how the fuck did we get there? I have been watching “Nurse Jackie” for the last three days (not straight) and I kinda feel I am getting my connective attitude back; yes I did say connective. When I say connective, I mean I am connecting myself back into my wonderful weird world of writing and it has been a while! I need music, it is too quite; also think it is the first time I have wrote without listening to music. Wanted to listen to gaydar radio, but Ke$ha is on and I ain’t in the mood, so I would guess that Glee is the way to go; here I come youtube. Confusing how I am writing in present tense and you will be reading this is past tense – kinda makes my writing immortal doesn’t it?
